Twenty Three Instructions
by Julianna Calavicci
Summary: Title explains itself. The Doctor gives Martha 23 instructions to follow while he is human. Spoilers from Human Nature.


_The title is self-explanatory, I think. Spoilers for "__Human Nature"._ _Naturally a bit of the story is just dialog from the episode._

_Again, sorry to my loyal readers of "Dreams and Nightmares". I really am working on the next chapter! Honest! The Doctor just isn't cooperating with me._

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**Twenty-Three Instructions**

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Is this working? Martha? Before I change, here is a list of instructions for when I'm human.

One: Don't let me hurt anyone. Can't have that but you know what humans are like.

Two: Don't worry about the TARDIS. I'll put it on emergency power so they can't detect it. Just let it hide away.

Four… no… wait a minute…

Three: No getting involved in big historical events.

Four: You. Don't let me abandon you.

And five! Very important! Five: Don't let me eat pears! I hate pears! John Smith is a character I made up but I won't know that. I'll think I _am_ him and he might do something stupid like eat a pear! In three months, I don't want to wake up from being human and taste that.

Six: Be careful with what you say and do. Remember, I will already have all the appropriate memories for the time period the TARDIS will pick but you won't. Like I told you before, you're going to have to improvise. And part of that is keeping any and all future events or technologies to yourself. We don't want mobile phones to be invented a century or so before they're supposed to.

Seven: I don't know where or when we are going. But, wherever we go, keep us away from anyone we may have previously met. The TARDIS will probably find someplace I've never been to. But there is always the random chance that someone I've met may show up. And while I won't recognize them, it would only bring about questions that really can't be answered.

Eight: Keep me away from the TARDIS unless you have to. John Smith won't know what it is. Seeing it will only frighten and confuse him.

Nine: Don't let me hurt myself. This probably could be included as part of number one but I'm rather fond of this body and I'd like to keep it for a while. Which brings me to…

Ten: Keep yourself safe. Don't want you to be hurt either.

Eleven… now, what was eleven?… Oh, yes… Don't let me dress like a circus clown… Well, that is unless I _am_ a circus clown. In which case, at least make sure that I'm not dressed like a clown all the time. Not that I ever _did_ dress like a circus clown. There was that one coat, though. It was rather like a rainbow and… well, I didn't really have good taste in clothing back then. Glad I'm out of that phase.

Which reminds me… Twelve: Please, don't let me dress in drag. I'm not sure I'd look very good in a dress. That is, unless everyone else is in drag. In which case, make sure my outfit is quite stylish.

Which brings me to thirteen: Make sure I keep myself dressed and groomed properly for wherever we end up. And the same for you. No need for us to drawn undo attention to ourselves.

Fourteen: This is very important! Don't let me take any medicines, especially not acetylsalicylic acid. Aspirin and other human medications can be deadly to me and John Smith won't know that. He might take aspirin for some minor ache or pain. And if it's still in my body's bloodstream when I become a Time Lord again, it just might kill me. Probably should have put that at the top of the list. Well, at least I remembered to tell you.

And speaking of allergies… fifteen: Don't let me use lotions or creams of any kind other than regular soap. I'd rather not have rashes all over me again.

And continuing in that vein… sixteen: John Smith may have allergies that I don't. So, just… keep an eye on me and make sure that there aren't any problems in that area. Shouldn't have a problem with that, though.

Oh! Seventeen: Feather pillows. If I have feather pillows, make sure they aren't linchette feather pillows. I know you don't know what a linchette is but, trust me, you don't want to see what their feathers can do to a human's skin.

Where was I? Sixteen… no… wait a minute. I just said that, didn't I? Let me think… fourteen… fifteen… sixteen… seventeen... right!

Eighteen! Don't let me keep a pet. It wouldn't be fair to the animal to have to put it into someone else's care after being in my care for six months.

Nineteen: Don't let me eat too many sweets. You know how much I love sweets and… well, human biology doesn't process complex carbohydrates as well as Time Lord biology and… Hate to be vain but… I like being skinny. Oh! And that includes any fatty foods, like chips and such. Six months without sweets or chips… How am I going to survive?

Twenty: If, for some reason, I start to remember things about my real life, keep me grounded in our current reality. Don't want to open the watch too early.

Twenty-one: We have to remain incognito, Martha. Whatever we do or say has to match wherever and whenever we go. And that means that the TARDIS remains unoccupied at all times. If you have to return to the TARDIS for any reason, make sure no one is following you and that no one knows where you have been. All other times, you and I both live as if we belong whenever we are.

Twenty-two: Trust your instincts, Martha. Trust your guts. If you feel you need to do something to keep us from being found by the Family, do it.

And twenty-three: If anything goes wrong, if they find us, Martha, then you know what to do. Open the watch. Everything that I am is kept safe in there. Now, I've put a perception filter on it so the human me won't think anything of it. To him, it's just a watch. But don't open it unless you have to. Because once it's open, then the Family will be able to find me.

It's all down to you, Martha. Your choice.

Oh! And… thank you!


End file.
